Special Note <3

 

First and foremost, I want to thank each and every one of my blog followers, friends, family and anyone who has stopped by to view my blog at any time. Your support means so much to me and gives me encouragement to keep going with this!

As many of you know, yesterday I was diagnosed with a brain tumor after an MRI scan. (possibly two tumors) Over the next week or so I will be schedule for numerous tests which include more MRIs, x-rays and probably other tests. I fear for what else these tests may reveal but I know that in order to create and proceed with my treatment plan, we must first have the big picture of everything we’re dealing with.

After the MRI, I felt something was wrong when they said “Go have a seat back in the waiting room and the dr will speak with you”, but then I told myself “no, it’s just routine for them to talk to you after an MRI.” That is, until I realized every single other person went in for their MRI and then walked right out the front doors and went on with life. Soon the receptionist called me over and whispered to me “they’re still trying to get in touch with your doctor but someone will be out to speak to you shortly.” I felt sick to my stomach waiting to figure out why they picked me out of everyone there to “stay and talk to the doctor.”

It felt like something you only see in sad movies. Patient goes into a small room that has that yucky hospital smell and doctor says “I’m sorry to inform you that ______ (insert horrible diagnosis). Unfortunately, that’s exactly what I got. “I am sorry to inform you that you have a brain tumor”, and in that moment it felt like my whole world came crashing down. I cried so hard I thought I might have a panic attack. I haven’t cried like that since loosing both of my Grandpas to cancer in 2009. I felt like I needed to have 1,000’s of questions but nothing would come to mind. My biggest, scariest thought in that moment was “I don’t want Gracie growing up without a Mommy.” I thought about everything my family has continuously gone through over the last 2 years and how I was about to add something huge to that weight. (I thought “they” said bad things come in threes… not in 10’s?!)

After getting the MRI, I was sent over to another building to meet with the neurosurgeon. I was told he’d meet with me right away. Well of course I had a days worth of paperwork to fill out and could hardly write with everything on my mind. At this point, Papa was there to watch Gracie. I was finally called back into the room where the neurosurgeons assistant came in. She was so cheery and reminded me of one of my good friends. She asked “Hi, doing good today?” – She’s lucky I didn’t smack her. (note to self: take a deep breath, it’s not her fault.) She did the usual tests on me that I’d been getting from every doctor. “Hold you arms up, now I’m going to try and pull but don’t let me.” She repeated this with my legs and feet as well. Oh, time to check reflexes now. I swear, my body didn’t have any at that point. I was numb. She soon left. I waited in there, crying, as Tony held me and told me over and over again, “Babe, we’re going to get through this. It’s nothing!” (He always has been such a positive person, always trying to make light in any situation so everyone can be happy. It’s one of the things I love most about him!)

The neurosurgeon came in. I swear, these people are either way too used to their jobs or they hide their emotions really well because you’d think I was there to get a band-aid on a cut. He was so calm. He showed Tony and I the scans of my brain. It looked like some meteorologist's weather map. When he pointed out the tumor, I felt a huge knot in my stomach. As bad as it sounds, I was hoping they’d realize at some point that maybe they got my scans confused with scans from another person. That wasn’t the case. I knew as soon as he showed us where the tumor is, that it wasn’t good. “It’s very deep in the brain” he shared with us, “and it looks fairly large.” Tony knows me so well that without me saying anything, he knew I really needed him after hearing that and he stood right next to me, again, holding me as I sat there crying. The neurosurgeon asked if we had any questions but it was like I couldn’t get my mouth to cooperate and ask anything. I felt a total disconnect and felt like I was experiencing one of those bad hangovers where you lay down and everything around you is spinning. Tony finally asked “will the tumor just get bigger?” and the doctor replied “with this, it can get bigger and you can die and then _______________________.” As soon as he said “die” it’s like someone hit a switch and shut my ears off and I didn’t understand his next few words.

So, it’s difficult to understand at this point but we don’t have any solid answers. We know there’s a tumor (possibly two) but we don’t know what kind, if it’s benign or malignant, what my exact treatment will be. In a way, it seems like we left with as much knowledge as we came there with, which is pretty much nothing. I do know that next week will consist of many tests and then my doctors will be putting all the tests together and coming up with a plan for my treatment. The words “surgery”, “chemo” and “radiation” were all tossed around during the conversation but again, nothing is set in stone.

So, I went and enjoyed lunch, crispy chicken nuggets (or ticken nunnets as Gracie calls them) with Tony, Gracie, Mom, Dad, Desi and Bub. I am so thankful they were all there to help us and support us in such a difficult and scary time. My phone was “blowing up” as everyone calls it these days with tons of messages of love, support, thoughts, prayers and “I’m sorry” messages. I cried as I read each of them but was thankful to have so much support. It’s such a wonderful feeling to know how many lives I’ve touched in some way or another and that I’ve treated people in such a way that makes them want to reach out to me and my family in our extreme time of need. I love all of you and things like this really do help one to see a bigger picture in life and appreciate things more. I honestly still don’t think the truth and seriousness of what I’m up against has really hit me yet, but when it does, I know I have so many wonderful people standing by me and my family.

On a side note: I first met with my regular doctor (primary care physician) almost a month ago to first let him know my symptoms: headaches, back aches, numbness and tingling in left arm, numbness and tingling in the upper right part of my back, dizziness, pain when bending my head forward or looking side to side. He then referred me to a neurologist. When I originally scheduled my appointment for the neurologist it wasn’t supposed to happen until June 27th but then I finally gave in and called them back and rescheduled and was able to get in on the 14th. Also, when the lady called me Thursday to schedule my MRI, she had the opening Friday at 7:45 (yesterday morning) only because someone had called and cancelled. If I didn’t get that slot then the next available would have been the middle of July. Considering my original neurologist appointment was supposed to be June 27th, I wouldn’t have been able to get the MRI until after that, which probably would’ve been in August sometime. So, I really hope I didn’t lose you in that entire explanation but what it all comes down to is that someone was watching over me and we caught this earlier than we might have.

I can never completely express how grateful my family and I are for all of your love and support! I appreciate every positive, loving word. I will keep you posted as much as I can. I will update this blog as much as I can because photography is my passion and I am dedicated to this and in times of sickness, I think it’s important to try and do what you love as much as you can. So I am going to soak up the sun, take too many photos, laugh too much, love even more and just enjoy everything!

 

Love,

Heather